Five Times Kissing Was Unsanitary (And Once When He Didn't Care)
by Catherine Pugh
Summary: The Professor doesn't do well with aggressive women.


Five Times He Thought Kissing On The Mouth Was Far From Sanitary, And One Time It Wasn't.

1.

The Professor was trying to make nails with some raw ore he had found on the island. They had been marooned there for several weeks already, and the men were trying to patch up the remains of the Minnow. The Professor had been completely engrossed in solving the problem – so much, that he didn't notice Ginger sidling up to him on the beach. He wasn't used to close proximity to women, especially ones that smelled like perfume and wore evening gowns. His nervousness caused his hands to shake as he tried cooling the nail down in a bucket of water. His attempts at downplaying his anxiety did not seem to stop them.

Later that evening, Ginger wanted to "thank" him for all of his hard work. She cornered him behind the supply hut and planted one on him, dipping him nearly to the ground. He was shocked by this gesture, and his body froze in terror once more.

"I…I have to get to bed," he stammered.

"Great idea. I'll join you," she purred.

"I don't think so," he replied. "Goodnight." He nearly sprinted back to his makeshift bedroom. Knowing Ginger slept nearly nude not twenty feet away didn't quell his fears any. Nor did it quell her determination.

"Professor?" a small frightened voice called from the girl's area of the communal hut. It wasn't Ginger, it was that nice Mary Ann. She peered around the blankets, eyes wide in terror.

"Yes, dear?" he asked kindly.

"Sorry to bug you, but can you please come kill a bug that's on by bed? I'd do it myself but it's pretty big."

He chuckled. "Alright."

He got up and followed her to inspect the said insect. To his astonishment, it wasn't the expected spider or centipede - it was a scorpion, and if it had bitten her in the night she would have been dead by day. He didn't want to alarm her, so he captured it in a specimen jar and sealed the lid. He checked to see if there were any more crawling around. Luckily, there didn't seem to be anything else lurking in the dark.

"Thank you, Professor," she said.

"My shirt seems to be suitable for sleeping," he said cheerfully.

"It's very comfortable, thank you," she replied, laying back down on the cot. "Good night."

"Good night, Mary Ann."

2.

Ginger was attempting to use her acting skills to deter Duke the surfer, by staging a romantic interlude with the Professor behind the overgrowth on the edge of the jungle. This was the Skipper's bright idea, thought the Professor, who was hoping this would be over with soon.

When she heard the Skipper's cue, she began stroking the Professor's hair and encouraged him to talk about stars.

"Say that again for me," she prompted.

"Alpha centauri," he replied. She dipped down and kissed him briefly so Duke could get an eyeful. In a fit of nerves, the Professor immediately spouted off information about its location to calm himself down.

_This was a terrible idea, he kept saying over and over in his head. He could hear his parents now, chiding him for never taking women out on dates, never marrying or giving them grandchildren. If those activities involved necking with Ginger Grant, forget it._

Knowing Duke was still there, Ginger tried another kiss. No go. She might as well have kissed one of those snappers Gilligan had caught in the morning. As soon as Duke was gone, the Professor leapt up and walked back to the huts, trying to shake Ginger off his tail. _If kissing women is this unsatisfactory, I'll stick to science_, he thought.

He wondered where Mary Ann was and if she and Gilligan were "making out," as his students back home often put it. He dismissed that twinge of jealousy as extraneous frivolity. Why should he be jealous of Gilligan? But if he were really honest with himself, the Professor would say he felt that twinge every time Mary Ann fawned all over him.

3.

The Professor, his face full of pancake makeup, was filming his bit for the silent film. Ginger had insisted on being his scene partner, and Mr Howell had changed his informative script into a brooding love story. Deep inside, the Professor wanted to do a good job – a little twinge of vanity would come out when someone (usually Mary Ann) said he was a fantastic actor. He liked the idea of having an informative role in the film.

As usual, Ginger tried to ham it up, and she insisted upon kissing the Professor. Repeatedly. At great length.

"Kissing on the mouth is far from sanitary, and can lead to all sorts of bacterial transfer!" he protested.

"You certainly know how to make a kiss seem romantic, sort of like germ warfare!" she whined.

The Professor hoped this would put an end to Ginger's advances.

4.

Erika Tiffany-Smith had arrived on the island looking for a husband, and the Professor seemed to fit the ticket. Flattered by her attention – aggressive attention that revolved more around his research than romance for once – the Professor seemed amenable to the idea of marriage. Arranged marriages happened all the time in foreign lands. Perhaps it would work for him – wealthy lady, all the money in the world at his disposal – important research could be well-funded and researched. He felt nothing akin to love toward the socialite, but this business arrangement could work.

"Dahlink, kiss me," she said, her eyes drooping with desire.

He stoically planted a kiss on her cheek. It wasn't enough.

The engagement lasted less than 48 hours.

5.

"Now look, I told you once and I'll tell you again! It's all over between us!"

"No, no no, you're lying!" Ginger cried. "You still love me, I know you do! Please please don't do this to me!"

"You heard what the man said, Sweetie, get lost!" Mary Ann countered.

"Oh, so that's the way it is. I see it all now. It was never really me, me me – all the time it was her, her, her!" Ginger pointed dramatically at the Professor and Mary Ann, who were currently locked in a theatrical embrace.

"Alright! It's her, her her!" the Professor said, clutching Mary Ann closer to him.

"That's right, it was me, me, me!" Mary Ann said, embracing him.

"If I can't have you, nobody will!" bellowed Ginger, pulling out a revolver and shooting him dead, dead, dead.

"That was pretty good," Ginger said, helping the Professor up. Mary Ann noticed a trickle of blood coming off of his nose. Ginger squealed when she saw it. "This is my first attempt at play writing."

"I can tell," Mary Ann quipped, taking the Professor's hand and leading him over to her cot to lie down.

"Ouch," the Professor said, wiping his nose. Finding blood on his fingers, he groaned. This was not one of his better acting forays. Mary Ann patted the top of his head and expertly applied a cold compress on his face. The nosebleed was over in a few minutes.

After a weak joke about blood in his acting, the girls cleaned up his blood-soaked rag.

The Skipper and Gilligan thought the Professor was dead, but it turned out he wasn't.

Later Ginger came up to the Professor and said she was thinking about writing a prequel to that scene where they would be making out on the beach, and would he like to rehearse that? He politely declined.

CONCLUSION

He watched her as she silently took notes on her observations of various plants. She accompanied him today on a flora expedition on the other side of the island, near the cliffs. She had a keen mind and enjoyed learning. They decided to have a picnic on the top of the cliff, where there was a splendid view.

He had never looked at her before in this way, but as she bit into her mango and happily gazed out at the ocean, he never felt more content in life. His friend was by his side, sharing his interests, learning and exploring with him. He gazed at her for a few moments, allowing himself to take in her full beauty without any interference of analytical thinking. She looked like a painting – fresh faced, sweet, kind. Without thinking, he leaned over and kissed her. She responded by pulling him closer to her. His hands stroked her hair as he explored her mouth, not once caring about bacterial transfer. All of the abandoned emotions, long starved or ignored, came rushing forth as he tenderly caressed her. She moaned in his ear, setting him aflame.

"I was hoping this would happen one day," she said. "I've always loved you."

"I love you, Mary Ann."


End file.
